THE CITY AND HIM

Last year in the month of late june , I joined my Masters . That place which is totally new to me and then it absolutely got replaced by a name that is HELL. I don’t like a single thing about this place and it has been 7 months now , still this place makes me feel bad. But somewhere I survived and still doing and the biggest irony is somewhere down the line this place always gives me some strings of happiness. The reason behind that can be explained in just one word- HIM. After one week or so, when in one of the afternoon I was sitting in my room and was talking with a friend over phone , my roommate called me up to sit with them in foodys. I denied at first but then I went and I guess it was destined. There I met a guy. He is complete opposite to me . Well I don’t know what proper name I should give to him –friend, companion, travelmate or someone who makes me feel close to home in this strangest place or someone whom I can say anything or everything with full right. When I met this guy I never thought he will be this important to me. I initiated the conversation with him which is not very common on my part and it all started. He took my no. which is not so common on his part too and it began. Some LINKIN PARK concert was going on that evening.. I dunno something was there in that place that made both the introverts something which we usually don’t do. 

When something is bound to happen, way comes in front of us just like that. That’s what exactly happened to us. He texted me about informing him about the train tickets so that if possible we can go together. I called him up saying that whether we can go together or not. And that was the first time I called him. Never thought that the call I did so casually will become my or rather our necessity one day. Then the whole series started.

We witnessed many incidents together and most of them brought us closer. One such incident was when he told me that he was going to give the exam of CDS. I felt so bad when I heard about it . I dunno why I felt so bad about it but it did. I felt like something very major is going away from me rather a part of me is going from me. I literally told him that he shoudn’t go or give the exam and all and on what right I was telling then , I had no idea but I did. We were sitting in the campus, and I literally held his hand, put my head on my shoulder and cried like anything. That was the first time may be I showed up my inner self , I couldn’t stop my emotions from coming out. I just couldn’t help it because it was not affordable on my part to let him go and stay here alone. When we were talking at night on that day, he told me ‘ Can I hug you?’ when I was talking bullshit to him , in a way I was scolding him which clearly was showing how badly I wanted him to stay. He didn’t gave the exam but that incident really brought us closer.

Its said that ‘ Two people either grow with each other or apart over time’ . We grew over time despite the fact that we are soon going to be apart. Starting from our journey to home to hanging out over here to sharing every small incident happening over here . Everything seems to be so perfect even with a lot of complications , may be because we both enjoy being with each other. As days passed by, I got used to his constant presence. He is the person I look upto whenever Im in a problem or I need to do something or whatever. Fights complete the love we have for that person. While going home for the second time, while we were travelling in a bus , I slept on his shoulders as always. .There was something in that moment that made us feel so close, we could feel each other and it was one of the best moments I had with him. We have fights, often, but mostly it doesn’t stay up long because my silence is something he can’t bear and I can’t bear his absence. Till now the major fight  happened between us was when due to some misunderstanding, I stopped talking to him and strangely he after some efforts stopped trying to get back to normal too. It was almost 3 days we didn’t talked with each other and that was the longest timespan that happened. I still remember I was having attendance issue still my complete focus was on this. Same goes with him . He couldn’t able to talk with anyone properly and ended up texting me a big message . And that was it. We talked for hours. Evening turned into night . Fights are bad but the best part about it is the closeness it brings after its over. 

With each incident I was realizing that something weird and strange was happening to me but I was desperately ignoring the fact because I knew if that turned out to be the reality , then I won’t be able to bear the consequences. Its said the more you run away from something, the more it comes to you and it was exactly what happened to me. I have fallen for him. Yes, I fall for him. Besides everything I knew , I couldn’t stop my heart falling for him. 

Once we were talking about some sort of this thing and we spoke our heart out saying each other things which led us know about our feelings for each other . That night we spoke for hours and that conversation went for the whole night and stretched till morning. I cried, said him things I wanted to say . We both were vulnerable and honest and undoubtedly it made us more closer. 

Complexity is a part of life and undoubtedly it’s a routine of my life. I again fall for such a person whom I can’t get no matter how hard I try. Yes, I can’t get him and I knew it beforehand but I just couldn’t stop myself. When I started realising the fact that I was falling for him , I tried a lot to control myself or stop myself but it didn’t help. That’s what happens with love I guess. You keep thinking something and try to control your heart but it all needs that one person to change everything. You meet that person and it just clicks. And then no calculation and circumstances can stop you from that. All it comes is that person above every god damn thing. He can’t be in my life and I have to helplessly let him go. But u see miracles do happen and may be when you want something, you actually start believing in that no matter how many times life tried to screw you up. He gave me peace and I really can’t explain for what I was holding onto. May be the way he made me feel or the times we spend together or the happiness I get meeting him, everything turned out to be the reasons , actually rather excuses for not believing the fact that he will leave me. 

He did a lot for me and still continuing. Whether to complete any work I give him or to go out of the way to help me out , then to pamper me like a kid , spoiling me with chocolates, gifts, and so on. This reminds me of one incident when we were about to go out and eat in a restaurant. It doesn’t accept card and we were out of cash . So I was ready with my card and was waiting for his call. He called and said ‘Come near the Main gate. I’m withdrawing money and will meet you there.’ When he came , I heard that he walked so much for withdrawing money and just because the ATM wasn’t working he went to the bank and collected the money and that was just because it was very hot and he didn’t wanted me to run here and there for money. I really like the gesture of him and I felt like kissing him then and there. 

I know he likes me a lot and have that strong attachment with me but he can’t step forward due to the complexities and all and yes I do get frustrated sometimes but I too become helpless . After all I love him. Sometimes I feel like he too want to cross over this bondage and at times I feel like he doesn’t . I don’t know what is it but whatever it is , its strong and very much emotional. We were having a conversation once related to this topic and suddenly he started crying . And it was so bad to hear him cry because of all this but honestly, I liked it a bit . 

I never felt such attachment for any person till now and everytime I meet him , I feel like holding his hand and telling him to stay in my life and give me the biggest happiness I can get but I stop myself. Every day, every second its killing me from within , Im craving every minute to get him the way I want but I wish destiny would have been bit fair with me this time. If anything I would have wanted now at this moment , it would have been HIM. His happiness and smile is everything to me and I can go to any extent to see him like that . 

If I would have to say him something , it would have been ‘ I know you have people in your life who can lighten up your life and give you every small inch of happiness but just don’t forget there is a girl who crossed your path whose compensation no one can fulfil. You will feel my absence and remember about me and you will feel my presence and will be difficult to let me go. Don’t forget me and try to keep me in your heart always even if we are not together because you forgetting me is the last thing I can take.

I love you.

From the girl who loves you with everything she has…

Hey!

Its been long that I didn’t posted anything over here…Strangely, there were times when I infact forgot that my blog existed. So today evening, after returning from office and while having a cup of tea on the terrace , I thought of meeting this old constant friend of mine. Well, so much happened within this short period that I literally don’t know from where to start…I feel like my life has turned upside down…

Being a person who hates changes , actually faced a hell lot of that. Starting from biding goodbyes to those known faces I saw for the whole two years to leaving the college which somehow I used to hate but missing badly now , hugging my closed people last time at the station to saying hello to the new faces I met over here, recovering myself from the hurt my known people gave to putting efforts to understand so many new souls and so on…In these few months, life has pretty much taken a different turn..Settling in a new city, staying in a new , weird place, new workplace, new colleagues and a pinch of old bruises…Yes, life actually took a different turn and may be that’s how it goes…Sometimes, we get so busy coping up with everything happening around us that eventually we forget ourselves..So its good to go back to old things while we are forgetting ourselves..

This time, my content doesn’t involve any upscale writing or any old story of mine…Instead it holds a simple particular say that is we shouldn’t forget ourselves ..Turn around and search for that one happiness which got suppressed within you and explore it! Life gets much better then…!

May be

We all lived once in a home which is defined as the arms of that person wrapping you tightly. The key to that home is love. No matter how big a wanderlust you are, the desire to run to that home always brings on that adrenaline rush. May be peace has become a very costly whereabout these days and we exactly can’t afford to lose that. You will meet that one person in your entire lifetime who will be home to you and thus when all your could-have’s and what-ifs knocks in, and you decide to change your address , it ends up to that inevitable void which reaps you apart. When we’re incomplete, we’re always searching for somebody to complete us. Its like a series polygamy which always fools our hearts saying that we need to find someone more promising. This is where it creates the loop. Deluding ourselves from this believe is not easy and time definitely doesn’t heal everything. All it does is that suppresses that feeling or that incompleteness linked with that person. Admitting the fact that we are responsible for our own fulfillment and not that the sole possibility of every relationship we enter will be a failure. As Nicholas Sparks rightly said, ‘ Its the possibility that keeps me going, not the guarantee’.

Hello Happiness!

Happiness…A word which has a much defined role to play in our life. Its a much chased emotion for us .We think that it all lies in the big things or the big experiences we have in the journey of our lives.But does it actually happen..Do we actually rely upon such big wonders to happen which will widen up the smile on our faces or will make us happy from within..Thinking about it long , a single word comes from within – No.We wander from here and there , expect great jobs, good relationship,happening life, and everything and we do end up getting up frustated, disappointed, delusioned.Well, life always makes us travel a roller- coaster ride.The way it goes up, it comes down too.But holding onto the falling part will only accelerate the downfall of happiness.Did you ever look at the face of a kid when you give a chocolate to them, it lights up…Did you ever paid a bit extra to the people who works for you, happiness strikes right through in the form of blessing…Did you ever helped your mom in the kitchen when she is unable to manage everything, she feels relaxed…Did you made the street children eat in the food stalls they stand hours in , begging and asking for food, their faces shines like anything…Did you saw that tears of happiness on your father’s face when you give them your first salary…Meet the person you love, may be for seconds , when he is busy working and tensed..You will see the calmness and happiness on his face when he sees you…Little things are just overshadowed often and we run over big things for being the source of happiness..we can get it from these small things too which aren’t little actually…Life will screw you up every now and then , people will disappoint you often, things will not work out the way we want but try to move your eyes from all these and search for your key to happiness…I can assure you , it will lie on small, great ,simple things!

Untitled…

Time makes us deal with anything…Right anything…May be that’s why in one of those busy afternoon while I’m engaged in some work , suddenly a single mention of your name skips my heart a beat…May be that’s why while crossing the busy streets , suddenly I get that smell of yours and trust me it still makes me lose my stability for a moment…Right..time heals up everything…

Life always makes you feel like you are on a roller- coaster ride where you will have highs and lows but its just that the people you ride with changes…Nothing is constant..Right nothing is..At every phase of your life, there will be one person who will do all those things which may be you always wanted from someone but what is the strangest part you know..That person will not be ready to sit with you and enjoy the ride throughout…Every step of your life demands a different you…And you have no other alternative than to share your ride with them for a moment and then wait for the turn when the person gets replaced…We all are sealing permanent needs by temporary people…

So may be nothing is constant is more rightly said than time heals up everything…At least it brings up the reality of life , may be harsh but truth and not the illusion that time will actually make you heal every wound or scar you once got in your life…

New life in a new city…

By seeing this quote”You will hate your city until you move into another city” , I realized that how much I miss my city…

Being a wanderlust , I always have a desire of roaming around but at this moment when I’m sitting in my hostel room and writing this , I can feel that how much connected a person can be with his/her city …A new life has started over and I can’t say that its that bad but there is something about your old city, old friends and your constant family, they stay with us like a shadow and never leaves you…They are that part of our lives which doesn’t get old even when that chapter in your life gets over…But we realize it only when we enter into a new phase in our life …

But may be there is some kind of happiness along with this deep sorrow within….The feeling you have when you meet your family after a long wait and when you sit with all your old friends together in a coffee shop after so long and talk about all those random shits you have done once , that is the moment when you realize that your real happiness lies there…

We all need to wander around for our own work but when you come back to your family , you find your inner peace which is hard to find in that busy, crowded world..Yes,I do miss my city and my people out there but I’m also loving this new folks who are becoming a part of my life slowly …May be now my mondays go a little busy, my saturday nights doesn’t go watching TV series in my own room, I don’t get delicious mum’s food, doesn’t have those jamming sessions,doesn’t get those random surprises from my friends but still some new experiences are getting added on my life which definitely I’ll not get in my normal, comfortable life…

Sometimes you need to run away from the people and the city you love the most to gain some new memories …May be the good memories which I’m came searching for will meet me and stay along with me till it overpowers the bad ones….Life is an experience and I don’t know what’s waiting for me in this new chapter of mine…But surely what is coming is better than what is  gone…


That feeling…

Does true love really fades away…

Is it gone when you get separated from that person

Is it gone when your destiny takes that person away from you

Is it gone when you need to move on from that person who gave you enough insult and hurt

Is it gone when you are busy doing your work and suddenly a thing make you remember him

Is it gone when you compare someone new with him

Is it gone when you need his presence in your every successful moment 

Is it gone…Does it really goes away                                  

Do everyone slowly forgets about it ? Do everyone experience the same thing..?What do you feel..?



Life of that girl

Its been said that time heals up everything but does it really happen..Well I think time just fools you by helping your mind say to your heart that you have moved forward..

It was the joyous December month when the new year gifted me the most wonderful thing I could ever get in my life..A person who was just a stranger then and my everything later..Our friendship got started and we enjoyed each other’s company a lot..Being an introvert,I always used to restrict myself a bit from people but I couldn’t stop my words and heart to flow when I came across this person..Eventually that phase came when I realized that I had fallen for him..Love is a beautiful feeling but never thought then that it was going to ruin my entire life..All my life, I always chose friendship over love but little did I knew that my most chosen relationship was going to reward me with lifetime pain and emptiness by losing my best friend whom I loved…

Yes, I entered the city of unrequited love and by no means I could reach my home – HIM.. I cried, I cried everytime we used to talk over this but he always told me to understand his situation..I felt unloved,unappreciated, unworthy and everything but what I always ended up doing is to forgive him..His happiness was all I wanted..His smile was enough to make me forget all my pain and hurt he caused to me…

After a period, I felt that distraction sort of thing..I was afraid to ask him because I lost him as my special someone and didn’t wanted to lose him as my best friend too..But as said ‘ Nothing can go beyond our destiny ‘ ..So on 14 Feb when the whole world was celebrating love , I was about to end the most special relation of my life..I gotta know that he came into a relationship just then..I couldn’t utter a single word and was the last day I talked with him..And the most memorable part to remember is that he didn’t even tried to stop me..Just once I did what he always used to do with me and he let me to walk away…

Friendship is a beautiful and important relation unless you know to limit your emotions because it can ruin your life too…

I still miss him , his voice, his annoying behavior, everything but above all I miss myself….The girl who was unbreakable and strong..I still miss my inner peace and inner happiness..My heart still beats for him and wants his happiness but I will never go back to him..It took a hell lot of strength to walk away from him and I don’t regret my decision because sometimes you can’t be the only one trying to fix things…

I became that girl who is a mess of gorgeous chaos and will not let down her ego and self-respect for anyone..Who will not accept anything that doesn’t match her level..Who has nothing left inside her to feel anything for anyone and will go on in her life with her chin up…